womanhood

it sure ain't easy to be a woman some days.

i say this on the day of the month when i feel the full weight of each individual emotion, all parading by from moment to moment, changing about every third minute. some men may understand this, but I would take a gander that most men will never quite know this pain, the pain of a woman whose body is literally crying to have a child (but can't, for one reason or many), the pain of being the breadwinner, the pain of feeling the pain of everyone else in her life all on the same day, the pain of physical incapacitation that can happen each month (some months worse than others), the pain of feeling all of these things at once in an overwhelming minute.

it's hard some days to be a woman, but even on the worst days, I am thankful to be breathing, to have fully functioning limbs and mind, to be able to hypothesize and joke about the way i would choose to die, if the time was imminent, and to have the uninhabited ability to eat the weight of my sorrows in mini cupcakes, two bites at a time.

song nostalgia

this will be a post-in-progress, since I'm always driving down the road and hearing another one. these are songs that remind me of other times, specific times, and potent memories. this post is inspired by rob sheffield, who did a lot of this in his book, Love is a Mix Tape.

here we go...

1. "if you could only see" by tonic

this song reminds me of early high school (say 1997) and sitting in the gym at my church, first presbyterian of greer, watching my friends' band called the simply waynes. I used to ask for them to play this song as a request because I loved how they performed it. a fair number of the members of that band went on to become the band Emery, who have enjoyed great success!

2. "come out and play (keep'm separated)" by the offspring

remember the time you had a first, real live crush on a person, I mean hard-core, mushy in your gut and butterflies in the stomach, where you can't imagine how amazing it would be to kiss that person, but there's no way it would ever happen, because they are way, way too hot? that's where this song takes me, back to the ripe old age of 13, dancing The Nutcracker all around the upstate (south carolina). the boy was the son of the ballet company owners, a ridiculously gorgeous (and sometimes scary) married couple. of course, their son played the lead role of the nutcracker prince, he looked PHENOMENAL in white dance tights, and every other girl in the show felt the same way I did, and at least some of them got to make out with him (I didn't).

3. "can't help falling in love" by UB40

now, before you judge, remember that I grew up a child of the 80s and a teen in the 90s, so it's completely fitting to have grand associations with UB40. this is another big adolescent mover-and-shaker song. it reminds me of the first year I went to camp (age 12?) and all that comes with it: packing a trunk for 2 weeks, being away from home for a long time for the first time, being segregated by sex into cabins, being woken up at midnight for Christmas in July, other various boy crushes (including much older ones), a roommate who is the daughter of Johnny Unitas, my first exposure to bulimia (a counselor, not a camper), the morning dip ritual in the freezing lake, singing folk songs, drinking punch, and all of the other fantastic things that happen at summer camp (FROZEN ZERO BARS). also, the day we went home, I napped for about 8 hours and then went straight to bed.

what i miss about new york

1. dispelling all of the myths about the city that i learned by watching the movie, "big."  there is a large toy store, with a large keyboard, but you can't get a job there.  there are crazy people who yell at themselves and you, and you will hear strange sounds in the night, but it's not necessarily a reason to be scared.  you might fall in love with inappropriate people there who might change your life... but you won't have a time machine.  there are limos to be rented, but i never did see a trampoline.

2. having alisha in the next room.  watching every single episode of sex and the city when we lived there together.  eating pizza from downstairs at three a.m. and deli sandwiches from the shop on the other side of downstairs for lunch.  having items mysteriously disappear and then later reappear a week later from the laundry ladies two doors down (how could they possibly keep of track of borrowing my black yoga pants? they did.).  eating, drinking, dancing, walking, running, riding the subway, laughing hysterically, riding in cabs, riding a bus, paddling a boat, sunbathing, screaming (with no one noticing, in Union Square), screaming (while pillow fighting and having the neighbor yell through the wall "i'm calling the police!"), smoking hookahs, shopping, cooking comfort food, falling down and not having to be embarrassed.  

3. the ugly/beautiful orange chairs of the subway.  the ding of the doors closing and the harried anticipation of the next stop, everyone starting to lift or lean toward the door, even before the train stops.  the barrage of smells:  coffee, bodily filth, perfume, hair spray, leather, breath, plastic, metal, steam.  getting to ride the express train home.

4.  having every kind of food available at most times of any day.  having the freedom to walk all the way 30 blocks uptown from work to land at the bar at Luke's with a salad and some wine for lunch.  it was less expensive to order in than to go to gristedes and make the meal myself (not that i could, at that point in life).  h&h bagels with cream cheese and coffee.  papaya strawberry juice and a hot dog.  pad thai, sushi, soup and a sandwich, and 830 fabulous other meals.

5.  the springtime.  there is no such relief from harsh winter like the buds in central park at the castle in springtime.  it is an English garden heaven, complete with boulders to climb and ponds to peer into (with turtles).  fresh air among the blasts of subway steam and garbage piles and runoff grime on the street.  reading the catcher in the rye for the first time during the spring in new york.  the metropolitan museum in the (impending) spring.  i was lucky enough to live there when the gates were on exhibition by christo and jean claude (february, 2005).

Photo by Declan McCullagh.

it seems that i was surrounded by orange in new york, not my favorite color, but one that i must embrace.  it is not, however, what i miss the most.  that is, the approach of the new york city skyline from the air, at night, in all her glittering glory.  

olive & june

Where do I begin about this dinner?

At the beginning, of course.

The drink menu had lots of lovely choices.  We decided on Peroni (for him) and Sgropinno (for me), which was 42 below vodka, strawberry sorbet, and prosecco.  Both equally perfect choices to complement the meal to come.

This is Sgropinno, the water glass and bottle, and the candle, which needed lighting.

We began dinner with a few "piccoli piatti"(small plates) that were literally a couple of bites, each. We had to have Testaroli (our namesake), which was an eggy/pasta prepared crepe-like and garnished with basil pesto and pine nuts. Most definitely a favorite bite.  

We also indulged in Fried Ravioli (how could we not?), Crostini with white bean puree and green olive salad (about 4 delicious bites), and I had to have the Crudo- day scallop with pistachio butter (yum) and mortadella (my absolute favorite, the Italian equivalent of bologna, which we all know i love).  Melt-in-our-mouths cold and wonderful.  And let's not forget the freshly baked bread served with herbed ricotta cheese and olive oil.  It was the palate warmer for the cheese to come.

Our next round of plates was from the Antipasti menu:  cheese & meat platter, and pork meatballs.  The meat platter was divine, with thinly sliced textures so lovely I haven't seen them since working at Uva in NYC.  

The cheese platter was another world of amazing.  The gorgonzola, on a tiny bread bite, topped with a marinated strawberry, literally had me in tears.  Mick was half laughing, and half wanting a bite of his own.

From the bottom, moving clockwise:  fried ravioli square, testaroli (crepe), crostini, cheese platter, pork meatballs (oval bowl), meat platter, and crudo (day scallop). 

Close up of the cheese platter, pork meatballs, and meat platter.

I did try another cocktail that was delicious, but not my favorite, as Sgropinno will keep that title.  The second drink was The Foreigner, which was Hendricks gin, cucumber puree, and lemon.  It was quite refreshing and delicious with a cucumber slice, but I think it's better served on a Spring afternoon, with arugula and lemon salad.  In any case, it left the perfect taste in my mouth after dessert...

Dark Chocolate Mousse

With a name that unassuming, I was expecting a delicious bowl of mousse.  However, this dessert was literally Mick's favorite dessert of all time, and a hall-of-famer for me. Yes, there was a perfect, lovely, dark chocolate mousse square.  AND there were also caramelized bananas, cherries, coffee crumble (dirt), crispy chocolate paper, salted caramel, and magnificent ice cream.  You wouldn't believe it if I told you how amazing this dessert is.  You're just going to have to try it yourself.  As an old friend would say, it is "slap your Granny good."

That pretty much sums up this meal:  "Slap your Oma good."  The only thing that would have made this evening better is driving home to a cooled, freshly rained-upon lawn, and a delicate pink and blue sunset.  Oh wait, that happened, too. 

*All photos my own.

girls

after a long couple of days, sometimes you need a good, honest laugh. thank you, lena dunham, for your brutal and sometimes unflattering candor. 


after a good 24 hours of haggling and heckling, ending in absolute disgust with customer service (at&t), my husband and i have decided to stay loyal (to time warner), and found ourselves relishing in three months of free HBO and cinemax. what an amazing cycle this day has been. our bill is lower than it was, we have all the same stuff plus free nationwide calling on our home phone, and now our internet is three times faster. also, the big bonus, HBO on demand. hence, the initiation of the show, girls.


i had seen the pilot and was impressed and intrigued. now, a few episodes in, i can foresee a girls marathon in the near future (right now). it is amazing how the characters talk about everything. i mean, everything, everything. things that "girls" don't usually talk about to anyone or even admit to. 


it's about time there was such an honest voice out there for girls. girls who have STD's. girls who are virgins. girls who need abortions. girls whose boyfriends are exactly the worst match/type of person for them. girls who get pregnant. girls who use drugs. girls who dance. girls who should know better because they definitely deserve better. girly girls. free-spirited girls. handsomely tomboy girls. unbelievably gorgeous girls. this is sex and the city for a different breed, a different genre. 


yet, we appreciate both shows, for different reasons. one is a high glamour, haute couture, money/sex/career, flashy new york. the other is an everywoman new york, a comedic (and sometimes horrifying) mirror of situations that inevitably happen to girls who move there (i did).


i can't wait to see what happens next.

10 things

hello, blogosphere. how i have missed thee. welcome back, you say? why thank you. it's wonderful to be back, i think it's been years since we caught up. not since the MySpace era... i'm getting old.

to commemorate the initiation of a brand new blog, i will provide two lists- 10 things i love and 10 things i hate, so you can get a feel for what happens in my head from day to day.

you should know that, previously, as in, in my former life, i did not choose to use the word hate, since it's quite a strong choice. however, this is my now-or-never blog, no holds, no fakery. there are some things i hate. there are also many, many things I love. i'll start with hate and end with love.

here we go:

HATE
1. slovenliness. love to say the word, hate what it represents.
2. things that are made cheaply and break easily.
3. stinky smells. my nose is extremely sensitive (ask my husband).
4. bad drivers. I try hard to drive well and conscientiously.
5. anise and black licorice. i will eat almost anything else, at least once.
6. a boring mail day. i LOVE checking the mail.
7. being wrong. that's why i never am. (snort.)
8. too-cold weather for an extended period of time. sidenote- if i were a flower, i'd be an orchid. we don't take kindly to harsh weather of any kind. i don't consider 90 degrees harsh, but over 103 degrees is getting toasty.
9. when people try to be messin with my man. i was never a jealous girl until mick...
10. cottage cheese. bleh. maybe it's the texture? i might eat it if i don't know it's in there.


LOVE
1. baking. cakes, cookies, pies, breads, muffins, tarts, et al. i also love eating all of those things. which brings me to...
2. eating. cooking and enjoying a delicious meal (like filet of beef au poivre, creamed spinach, and chocolate mousse) on my Oma's china is a special day in our house. and, just cooking and eating everyday makes me happy.
3. weddings. we are so lucky to have just experienced our own wedding about 6 weeks ago. it was a magical, beautiful, perfect day. i love attending weddings, also, because the whole thing is a big slice of cake.
4. craft projects (scrapbooking, handmade cards, home projects, picture books, project runway...)
5. singing. joy!
6. reading. magazines and books. i am an old school reader & haven't taken well to tablets (yet, ever?).
7. just plain sitting on the couch.
8. the medley of blue colors in the mediterranean sea.
9. all things furry.
10. La, (mick), my husband. he's only a little furry.
11. vogue. fashion, beauty, hair, makeup, culture, humanity. it gets its own number and makes its own rules.